in The Momma Writes

Momma Confessions: Sometimes, I Just Want To Walk Away From Being a Mom

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It’s 10:00 PM in my side of the world. Both kids are awake and the other one is crying. I’m having a massive headache because another yaya is leaving for another employer with NO KIDS. I have a few articles needed for submission, which I haven’t started yet, and there are tons of drafts piled up in my blog. 

Then there’s the laundry basket full of clothes I haven’t sorted out and books and toys everywhere. I haven’t even showered and promised to do so once the kids are sleeping. My tummy’s rumbling but going down to get a quick bite means one of the kids will tag along, or perhaps both. 

There are good days and bad days. And sometimes, I just want to walk away. Walk away from the responsibilities, walk away from the mess, walk away from incessant shouting and crying, walk away from the toys that can’t seem to find their respective boxes, walk away from the husband who asks to do this and that, walk away from the “issues” that come with family life, walk away from the chores and hope they would magically do things on their own, walk away from the kids, and walk away from everything. 

I’m tired. I’m dead tired. For some reason, my body operates on low energy and I don’t understand where I’m getting the strength to get by each day. 

I can’t remember the last time I had at least six hours of uninterrupted sleep, the last time I actually enjoyed a meal without worrying about a toddler jumping on the couch, a bath with no one knocking at the door, a trip to a nail salon without my phone ringing and the husband asking what time I’ll get home, the last time I read a book and finished it, the last time I had some alone time peacefully. And yes, sometimes I want to walk away because I miss my old self, my old carefree self. I miss the vibrant, energetic, and spontaneous me. 

Then there are good days. A lot actually. This includes a hug and kiss from my kids, the times they said I love you, the first time they said “mommy,” when they would cuddle next to me until they fall asleep, those times when they would stop from crying as soon as I carried them, that proud look on their faces when they were able to accomplish something no matter how simple it may be, seeing their milestones, and the list goes on. There are a lot of days when they would show me their pa-cute faces and say sorry for being hard-headed. Then there’s their infectious laugh, downtime in the morning, and conversations where only I can understand what they are talking about. But the most important thing of all is that I am there beside them every step of the way to witness how much they’ve grown and how they became. There are good days and I constantly need to remind myself of that and it makes me smile. image (31)Yes, sometimes I want to walk away. Many times, actually. There are times when I wish everything will end and I can go back to my old self. There are times when I start to question the path I chose to take or why I became a mom despite the lack of “motherly instinct.” There are what if’s at times, which adds to mom guilt because it sends a message that I don’t like my life. 

Then I looked at my kids and everything makes sense. I became more compassionate, more caring, and more loving. All of a sudden, I understood what “sacrifice” and “unconditional love” truly means. Even if I want to walk away from being a mother, I made a choice to stay – and I don’t have plans of changing that. I plan to stick around for as long as I live. That despite every shout, every tear, every “why,” and every “No” and “I don’t like,” I know I made the right choice. The choice to be a mom and be the best that I can be. image (30)To all the moms who feel the same at times, it’s okay. It’s okay if you want to hit the pause button so you can catch your breath. It’s okay if you want to freeze the moment to give you a break. It’s okay if you think about what could have been because that doesn’t necessarily mean you hate your life. It’s okay. Everything will be okay (yes, I am talking to myself too).   

Ayi

A former law student turned stay-at-home mom of two. Join me and read my adventures as I go through this crazy world called parenting and mommy-hood.

25 Comments

  1. Ishmael F. Ahab

    I guess all parents experience the same as you did. I sometimes felt the same once or twice when my son is so makulit and I’m dead tired from work.

    Be strong and press on. 🙂

    07 . Apr . 2016
    • Ayi

      Thank you 🙂

      07 . Apr . 2016
  2. Nilyn_ECM

    Thank you! A lot of times I wanted to walk away as well! Motherhood is really a tough job! You can have all the feelings in one! lol. But we can all agree that it’s really so fulfilling as well. Haaisst! Life’s so much different when we didn’t have kids, no? 😀

    18 . Apr . 2016
    • Ayi

      True. There are good days and bad days :))

      18 . Apr . 2016
  3. Mitchikels of Nostalgic Momma

    Hey Momma Ayi! Always remember that you are not alone in this. There are times too that I wanted to run away because I am very, very, verrrryyyyy exhausted. There were instances that I would suddenly go out of the door leaving both my son and husband alone and go to the rooftop of our building (we live in a condo) so I can inhale and exhale properly. I would also cry there too and pray. And when I feel like I have calmed down already, I go back to our unit and play with my son once again. We do need a break. Even a 10-minute alone time would do. 🙂

    19 . Apr . 2016
    • Ayi

      Thanks 🙂 I always feel guilty for feeling this way, then I realized that I am not alone 🙂

      20 . Apr . 2016
  4. msbolin

    I guess a number of moms experience that same exhaustion. I, too, told myself that I want to go somewhere far from my boys. But still I cant leave them. Maybe we need a few spaces from them – create a me time. But honestly, with all the chores I cant even have my me time. I just would like to think that our post as MOMS is certainly too special not all women can carry.

    19 . Apr . 2016
    • Ayi

      Yeah, I miss having me time too. But my yaya recently walked away and my husband is quite busy so my alone time means taking a bath or when the kids are asleep :))

      20 . Apr . 2016
      • msbolin

        Hope you be able to get a (yaya) replacement should you prefer to have one pa.

        21 . Apr . 2016
  5. Charley's Mommy

    I feel you, Mommy. Sometimes i feel like giving up too despite that we only have a toddler. What i nees are pause and mute buttons. 🙂

    19 . Apr . 2016
    • Ayi

      It’s so much simpler and more manageable when you have one child. Hehehe.

      20 . Apr . 2016
  6. Maan Laxa

    Wow thank you for speaking for many of us. I learned that the only way to become a fulfilled mummy is to become a fulfilled person, a person with her own identity. I noticed that whenever I am able to spend time alone or afford some quality me-time, I become a better mum!

    19 . Apr . 2016
    • Ayi

      Same here. My mom would always remind me not to forget about myself. Being a mom is fulfilling, but there are times na it can be exhausting too. That’s why I always make it a point to spend some time with myself. My mom would also get my kids once in a while so my husband and I could go out din 🙂

      20 . Apr . 2016
  7. Cheanne

    My thoughts exactly! And then I feel guilty about having those thoughts. What kind of mom would want to walk away from being a mom?? Hehe.
    It helps to get away from them for a few hours, go to the grocery, stroll for a while, get back our bearings. And then we’re back to being that loving mom again.

    19 . Apr . 2016
    • Ayi

      I noticed I get too cranky din when I can’t be alone, even for a few minutes. That’s why I enjoy doing chores or going for errands. I feel like I am a normal person. LOL

      20 . Apr . 2016
  8. rollcoastermom

    Awww I know exactly how you feel. I’m pregnant with my 4th child and sometimes I wonder what possessed me to think that adding another child to our family is a good idea. Haha! But, at the end of the day, being a mom is really a blessing despite the ups and downs. 🙂 I can’t imagine not being a mom.

    20 . Apr . 2016
    • Ayi

      Congratulations Mommy Janice! 🙂 Yes, kids could bring a different kind of joy and sense of fulfillment 🙂

      20 . Apr . 2016
  9. Arlene Tingson

    I pray that God gives you peace and strength inside you, sis. Just fix your eyes on Him and remind yourself of the blessings you have in front you. 🙂 Here’s something that remind me of your story and might help:

    Amid The Cry of Your Baby, the TV, The Vacuum and the Busyness of Life

    20 . Apr . 2016
  10. Louisa Mercado

    I’ve had a ton of these moments but you let it pass and you try to remember why you love being a mother. Hugs!

    20 . Apr . 2016
  11. mumwrites (@vixquips)

    I feel you mum, sometimes I want to scream or take a vacation from it all, too! But when my little one reaches for me during bedtime and tells me to hug him tight, I know that I would trade anything in the world just so I can continue to stay at home and care for him! 🙂 Just hang in there, the best is yet to be and I am sure you will agree that motherhood is our best adventure yet! 🙂

    20 . Apr . 2016
  12. Dane

    Shhhh..!! I feel u! I just gave birth last march while my bunso was only 2 yrs old! Sleepless nights x 2 kasi lagi me tantrums si baby number 2 tapos minsan iyak dn ng iyak si babynumber 3 at madals pasaway dn si ate na 9 yrs old but despite that I still feel blessed kasi mas maraming love and happiness binibigay nla samin@

    21 . Apr . 2016
    • Ayi

      My kids have an age gap of 1.6 years lang kaya chaos sa bahay :)) But true, there are good days 🙂

      21 . Apr . 2016
  13. Peachy @ The Peach Kitchen

    I think all of us mommies feel those things at one time or another and the most important thing is we remember the happy times on the other side of the chaos.

    22 . Apr . 2016
  14. Mommy Levy

    I feel you. But what I want to do now is to hit the pause button that will make my son stay young for a while. Parang ang bilis kasi nilang lumaki. Nakakamiss ang may maliit na bata sa bahay.

    24 . Apr . 2016
  15. Rowena Wendy Lei 林露薇 (@animetric)

    My kids are older and more independent now (teen and tween) so I don’t really feel that tired anymore. I miss their younger days though.

    24 . Apr . 2016

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