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I Shouted at My Daughter for Not Speaking Up

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I was teaching J how to write to help her prepare for school this coming school year. Since Ate knows how to write already, I just gave her pen and pad paper and asked her to sit with us and write letters and numbers so J can see what she is doing. As soon as we’re done, I checked on Ate and saw that she wrote some numbers incorrectly. I immediately corrected her and showed her the proper way to write the numbers. 

Here’s the thing: Ate doesn’t want me to write on her paper. Instead of saying that, she threw a fit and was crying really loud to get my attention. I asked her what’s wrong (since I want to make sure that I understand what she was crying about) but I ended up getting loud, deafening cry. 

I really wanted to give her a good spanking at that time out of irritation, but I didn’t. Nonetheless, I shouted at her. I shouted at her for not telling me what’s wrong. I shouted at her for not speaking up. I shouted at her because I was upset that she is not opening up and being honest about what she feels. I shouted at her for crying instead of talking to me. I shouted at her while forcing her to speak up. 

You know what happened next? Ate cried even louder. I was expecting she’d be scared of me and stop crying, but no. Instead, she cried more and I saw how tempted she was to throw something out of frustration (but thankfully, she didn’t). She didn’t stop crying and it lasted for minutes.

I was fuming. I stormed out of the room for about 30 seconds and wanted badly to hit the pause button because shouting at her didn’t do anything good. Seeing that she didn’t stop when I asked her to do so, I calmed down and collected myself to attend to her. I went up to her, carried her, and asked her to go to the their room so we can have a talk. 

Oh, the talk. 

After comforting her, she settled down and stopped crying. While hugging her:

Me: Mommy’s not mad. Can you at least tell me why you cried so I can understand you? 

Ate: Because you wrote on my paper and I don’t like.

Me: Sorry if I did that. I just want to show you how to write the numbers. If you don’t want me to write on your paper, then let me know instead of crying. 

Ate: Okay, mommy. I’m sorry. 

Then it was over. We went back to our room and she was back to her usual happy self. She even showed me that she corrected the numbers that were initially written incorrectly. 

This was a learning experience for us both. I promised myself never to resort to spanking and handle my kids in a calm manner (still working on it mommas). I prefer talking to my kids in case something is wrong because I believe that shouting and inflicting pain will not solve the issue. I’m afraid that it could have a negative effect on them, so I try to resolve our issues as calm as possible.

Is it working? I really hope so. After that incident, Ate is slowly being open about her emotions and how she really feels. She slowly speaks up now and tells me what’s on her mind, but there are times when I have to ask her to elicit a response. My kids, especially my eldest are still in the stage of processing and understanding various emotions. Although there are instances where pulling her our and talking to her separately works, there are times when it doesn’t. I’ll just leave the spanking (when needed) to my husband.  

We all have our own ways of instilling discipline and I totally respect that. Punishing a child for every wrongdoing and in whatever form depends on the child and the parent. Still, I truly believe that at the end of the day, no matter what method we choose to discipline our kids, we should always consider our child’s emotions and how s/he will feel afterwards. If we discipline them, it is best to settle it between you two. Never underestimate a child’s feelings. There’s so much going on inside them and we, as parents must respect and understand that. 

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Ayi

A former law student turned stay-at-home mom of two. Join me and read my adventures as I go through this crazy world called parenting and mommy-hood.

15 Comments

  1. nilyncartagena

    I have a spanky to use for my son but it’s been a while since I last use it, and when I do, I don’t hit hard (of course, he’s just 3, hehe). Parang pantakot lang. Pero now, even pantakot, di ko na sya ginagamit. Like you, I want for my son to speak up. And it really is super frustrating when they cry even harder instead of talking about it. Ahhhh. Patience! I need more patience for my son everyday! Love your reconciliation, though! Pati ako, natouch. 🙂

    05 . Jun . 2017
    • Ayi

      Patience is something we really need to learn as parents. Mahirap pero kailangan 🙂

      06 . Jun . 2017
  2. Nerisa

    I read something about having to put 5 rubber bands in your wrist the start of the day and every time you lose patience you transfer one rubber band to the other wrist. the goal is to retain all rubber bands in the initial wrist. medyo mahirap especially our kids our on their most pasaway age, but patience talaga is needed.

    06 . Jun . 2017
    • Ayi

      Feeling ko morning palang, nailipat ko na yung rubber bands sa other wrist! Hahaha!

      06 . Jun . 2017
  3. Janice

    Patience is also a challenge for me. It really is hard! But we always have to try to remember that as parents, we are the adults and must therefore act like it. Hang in there! You’re doing your best and that’s what’s important.

    06 . Jun . 2017
    • Ayi

      Indeed, being a parent is a continuous learning process. Thanks mommy 🙂

      08 . Jun . 2017
  4. Fully Housewifed! (@fullyhousewifed)

    I have a bad temper and sadly, my kids have seen this side of me already. I cannot begin how many times I’ve said sorry to them. Especially my eldest. Anyway, yeah, being calm about it and talking things through when you’re no longer angry is good.

    07 . Jun . 2017
    • Ayi

      My kids saw my bad side too! Several times narin. Eventually, I learned to calm down since hindi effective sakanila ang pasigaw.

      08 . Jun . 2017
  5. Berlin | Momi Berlin

    Ow, Ate doesnt like any writings on her paper except for her own. That is a good reason then, only that she wasn’t able to communicate earlier. We parents should really be patient with our kids. And often, we should always be in our senses so we could avoid doing something we will regret later. I love the way that you have to.ask.her to go to their room. It’s private there. I see the idea. Sometimes when im angry, I just talk to the boys where we are seated. This trick of going to their room and talk to them seems move effective. Thanks for the share.

    07 . Jun . 2017
    • Ayi

      I read somewhere that other kids shouldn’t see it every time we visit our child. Nakakababa daw ng self-esteem, so I am careful lalo na with my eldest. She’s sensitive din kasi and emotional, kaya I always pull her out and bring somewhere private pag pinagagalitan ko.

      08 . Jun . 2017
  6. Melisa Sanchez

    I used hanger for my son, takot na takot talaga sya sa hanger. It’s very frustrating to me also every time lang naman pag nagpapakain ako sa toddler ko, sinisigawan ko din sya kasi kalbaryo talaga ang pagpapakain sa kanya. Pinagppray ko nalang sarili ko na bigyan pa ako ni Lord ng patience and wisdom as long as I can ayaw kong humantong sa masigawan or to get spanky kasi at the end nasasaktan din tayong mommy. Oh well, that’s part of growing up 🙂

    08 . Jun . 2017
    • Ayi

      I used to spank her using my hand para malaman ko kung masakit na. But then, I had to change my discipline habits. Ang hirap talaga.

      08 . Jun . 2017
  7. Mom's Shout Out

    punishing a child sometimes needs to be done, but i think it depends on how heavy the reason is.. calmly talking with them still the best way i think. actually it is my way most of the time and effective as well

    13 . Jun . 2017
  8. mommykach

    My husband believes in corporal punishment while I tend to be the calmer one when we discipline our kids. It’s a very hard thing to agree on but I salute you for taking a stand on how you deal with your daughter. I’m glad that you both were able to learn from that experience.

    02 . Sep . 2017
  9. Ma.Me.Mi.Mommy

    Hay, it’s so hard to be a parent. I also try not to spank as much as possible. I’m more of the talking and explaining type. The husband says naman it’s not effective so he always has the ruler out these days.

    05 . Sep . 2017

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